I am a grown adult waiting for my phone to ring. For the man to call who's heart I am toying with. And perhaps he realized he deserved more than I was willing to offer. I just thought I had more time while he was dealing with his own break up heartache before he realized he wanted more from me than I was willing to give. And why would I expect that I would get more? I spent the entire night flirting with someone else right in front of him and not paying much attention to him. Honestly take away the shameless flirting and the "jokes" and you find my scared truth. I like you, and I'm attracted to you. And on a bold night where wanting to feel different overthrew spiritual principles, I could make it appear to be just flattering and fun I could expressed how I really feel without being vulnerable and real. Perhaps all your questions as to why I would like you...your insecurities as to why I wouldn't, weren't insecurities at all but an attempt at not hurting my feelings by telling me the reasons you don't like me?
And so while I flattered a man whose recovery surpasses his compulsions, I lost the ability to do whatever my head had convinced me to do with someone who most certainly deserves better than to be some comfort food for my destroyed heart. And here I am at 2am awake left once again alone hurting more than a few days of a few nightly hours of tears can heal.
And so my head goes....he chose not to call because he wanted more than just holding me nightly or less contact. He didn't play wwf because that would mean he was awake and hadn't called. He doesn't not call when he says he will and perhaps he is just still out after the movie with friends despite the fact that he has class in the morning. Although I don't know a lot of his friends that stay out that late. Unless he went out with... and why am I caring? It's not like he is my boyfriend or I want him as such, but I was trying to replace the love of my life with at the very least a fall back options for the lonely nights and I could call the 21 year old but I also know or I believe that he wants more from me than I am willing to give to him. And where does that conversation even began..."I'm calling you because the guy I was using doesn't want to be used anymore, could I use you instead?"
All of this is just my attempt at filling an unfillable whole that my never-going-to-end(and yet somehow has) relationship with my soul mate left. While I did once believe he would always be in my life our friends had convinced me that we were soul mates. No matter who I blame the fact is he isn't here anymore. I spent the better part of a year trying to convince him to come back and I would go back to being unhealthy so we could be together. It is perfectly clear to everyone I recount the story to that he is no longer interested in being in my life from the lack of returning any of my calls and messages. As per suggestion I purged his info from my life so when temptation strikes, which is daily, to contact him, I won't. This led to a deeper pain that I didn't think could deepen. Upon my going to erase messages and block his facebook I discovered I had already erased all his messages so I would not get my "last bite," and he had blocked me from him. He hurt me then he blocks me? Is this retaliation for believing that I deserve to be treated as at least a friend?
He hurt me, and somehow because I am now hurt it is okay for me not to act as a friend? And perhaps the one who I am using realized this much sooner than the 16 + years it took me. No amount of logic about the fact that our relationship was sick and he obviously was not all I thought he was, make this pain any less. In fact it simply fuels the anger at the world that I am experiencing when these words are uttered. I wish people could learn to be silent, hug me and simply say they love me. For this I would like to start with me while others are hurting and remember just to hug them remain silent and tell them I love them or nothing at all.
I now have this unfailing, unshakable belief that there are some wholes even God can't fill. I remember a time when I believed there wasn't anything that could make me turn my back on this relationship I was making an effort to have with my higher power....and I believe it now. It's not to say that I am angry at God and God can take it...it's more to say what is the point anyway anymore? I can not imagine happiness without him being a part of it....so why bother trying? And yet just as I am still alive, some whisper in my spirit still hangs onto tiny efforts of attempts at a better life than I am currently living.
